Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Randomize
