hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
