at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
