Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
