Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
