mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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