Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
