I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
