Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
