Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
