I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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