we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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