remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
