Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
