Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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