As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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