I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
