You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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