I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
