How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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