I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
