Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
