You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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