why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
