I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you.
Bad choice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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