i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
