At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
