just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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