I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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