I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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