i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
