Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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