Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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