just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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