just come out here and I will go home with you...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
