Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it was like eating out sand paper
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My life is pants optional.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
