so explain again why im purple
no
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
