dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
nutella sex= disaster
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
