her vagine was all disorganized.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
