I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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