my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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