How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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