You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
