i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
