Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
