Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
