If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
