I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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