nutella sex= disaster
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
