I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
