having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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